Valentine's Day
by Lord Tangent
Summary: A story about ninjas dealing with the Valentines Day. Crack pairings. Rating Upped.
1. Ask a Fox

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Naruto woke up. As his ramen was being micro waved, he went to check the date. It was the thirteenth of February. _Fuck…Valentine's Day is tomorrow…_

Now that Sasuke was gone, he'd stopped bothering Sakura-chan about them possibly hooking up. Mostly because someone else had gotten on his mind…

He had the week off, which meant training, but he decided he could try to ask some people for advice about his new lady troubles.

His first thought was the Kyuubi. The demon had to know something, after all. He reached into his mind, and went up to the bars that held the fox inside of him.

"Hey, Fox-teme, I need some help." The boy shouted.

'**What…are you dying again…?' **the Kitsune asked sarcasmically.

"Err…no…I've got some…romantic issues…"

'**What…don't tell me it's that girl again…she doesn't like you, kit.'**

"It's not her…its…"

'Out with it…' 

"Lady Tsunade…"

'The busty chick? You know you're fucked…' 

"Yeah, do you have any ideas…?"

'**Well, I don't know if you've noticed…but from reading your memories…she's got some serious frontage…try to ignore that…'**

"I…never noticed. She's just so…sure of herself…"

'Confidence…ok…write her a letter, I guess…being direct with the Hokage could get you killed.' 

"Thanks…you're not the bad, Kyuubi."

He left the sewer with new confidence, and was now back in his apartment. His ramen was now getting cold, so he inhaled it very quickly.

He decided that he should get a second opinion. _Hmm…Kakashi-sensei is always reading those books...maybe he knows something…_

And so he went hunting.


	2. Ask a Ninja

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

After about an hour, he found his teacher, staring at the grave of his fallen teammates and his old teacher.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei!", he said, after popping up right in front of the pervert.

"Oh, hey Naruto. What's up…" was his lazy reply.

"Umm…can I talk to you man to man?"

"Sure…what's bothering you?"

"I like someone, but I'm not sure if she likes me back…"

"I thought you'd figured out Sakura-chan doesn't like you _that_ way…"

"It's not her…"

"Well, I can't help if you wont tell me."

"This is pretty embarrassing but…I'm kind of in love with Tsunade."

"Are you serious?", the man then chuckled. Loudly.

"Yes…less laughing more helping."

"Well, just get her something simple. A small gift. And…try not to stare at her breasts. It's not like I'm any better at love than you."

"Hey…you've got a crush of your own…don't you…Shizune-neechan perhaps?

"No, and I'm not telling you. She keeps turning you down anyw---"

"Wait…you like Sakura? Is that even legal?" he face-vaulted, the laughed.

"Probably as legal as you and Tsunade."

"Good point…Well, she likes quiet…so I guess you've got that…just be on time for once."

"I should just say it…we're not even a squad anymore…"

Naruto chose that moment to leave, still obviously bitter about his failure on his last mission.


	3. The couple who weren't

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Neji had been running the possibility through his mind. Should he date TenTen? Would she say no? But, even more frightening, would she say yes?

He could see through trees, he could see someone's very chakra flowing inside of them, but he still couldn't read a girl. He'd never figured them out. It had caused a couple restless nights.

He was discharged the next morning after he had thought these things before falling into a morphine daze. He'd dreamed that he'd been turned down. She wasn't interested. At all. Then the image of her and Uzumaki-baka having some 'fun' appeared. He hoped that he could scrub those images out of his head.

He decided to look for the girl, half-hoping she returned his feelings. If they weren't meant to be, then he'd stop. It just wouldn't be meant to be. The dream played back in his mind.

He found her after lunch, playing with swords. She noticed him after a while, and greeted him.

"Oh, hey…" she said as she sat down on a log. She motioned for the prodigy to sit next to her.

"TenTen, there's something I really need to say."

"Ok, just say it…"

"I…I love you,"

There was an awkward silence, and then Neji moved in closer, intending to rock her world with a heart-melting kiss. She tilted her head, and they bumped foreheads slightly.

"Err…no."

"Why not…?"

He noticed she was nervous. What did she have to be nervous about? He'd just tried to kiss his best friend.

"You probably couldn't tell, but I'm really not interested in boys. Girls are cuter."

"Wait…what?"

"I think I'm gay."

"That would explain a lot. I guess we're not meant to be, then."

"It would seem so."

"So…if you like girls…you've got to be interested in someone."

"Why should I tell you?"

"Well, if I'm related to them, I'd have to be overprotective."

"How on earth did you know I like Hinata-chan?"

He started laughing. Something he rarely did. It was just too funny. She smacked him on the head.

"Sorry…well can I help you with this…whole lesbian crush on my cousin?

"Why would you help?"

"I'd rather see her with you than Naruto."

"That's my whole problem. She practically worships him…"

"Do what I did. Tell her how you feel."

"She's straight…no way in hell she likes me."

"You never know."

"Ok, I'll try. Do you know anything about her that would help?"

"I know her favorite food is cinnamon buns…"

"I never thought food would work."

She got up, left, her mind racing with ideas of what to do next.


	4. Lines of Thought

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Naruto spent the rest of his day practicing his jutsu. He went to the ramen shop, got some late dinner, and then headed home for a shower.

Once he was clean and all jammy'd up, he decided he should plan his next day before falling asleep. Two hours later, he'd decided on something simple.

Kakashi had spent a large portion of his day mulling over his odd feelings for his female student. H really shouldn't say anything. It would be wrong. On the other hand, it would be good to get it off his chest. He'd try flowers.

TenTen was having trouble sleeping. It was hard when she had not only fear rejection, but also the fact that it was weird, if not wrong, to have thoughts about another girl.

Gaara was still in the Leaf Village, wondering about the meaning of Valentines Day. He had met one woman that he would gladly give up killing for.

Kankuro was sitting on the couch, adding weapons and doodads to Crow.

Temari trying to analyze her odds with a certain boy. He didn't really express feelings like that, especially towards her.

Neji was silently cursing fate while sitting under a tree.

Hinata was hoping she could actually tell Naruto how she felt this year.

In Otogakure, Sasuke was starting to regret leaving. Anything for power. But did leaving make him as bad as his brother?

Ino was hoping someone, anyone, would actually give her a valentine.

Shikamaru was pondering if she liked him back.

Tsunade fell asleep doing paperwork.

Anko was doubting she'd get anything for Valentines Day.

Iruka was pondering his possibilities.

Shizune had just finished the night shift, and slept at the hospital that night.


	5. Waht the Hell?

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri. I had to up the rating for this chapter.

Naruto woke up, knowing he'd be facing a restless night, either way. He got into his 'target practice' orange jumpsuit. He walked around, internally panicking, wondering how on earth he'd go through with this.

Gaara decided he'd find the woman, and just say it. He'd get shot down, and life returns to normal. He started walking around the city systematically.

He found her sitting in a tree in a park at around noon. He thanked the kami for his nerves of steel; otherwise he'd be sweating a waterfall.

He actually stood there for half an hour, having not thought his confession through at all. Eventually she noticed him looking at the ground. The brief thought of asking him on a date came to mind, but left almost immediately. Like anyone would want to be seen with her.

Gaara looked up as she looked down, and there was a very long, awkward pause. Then Gaara said, "May I ask you something?"

"Shoot." was her slightly blunt reply.

"Would you like to go on a date sometime?" he said, clearly and quietly.

Oh my god…someone actually wants to date me… 

"That would be nice. How about now?" She said as she jumped down from the tree, landing on her feet.

"I guess…" Gaara was actually expecting to get shot down for the nth time in his life, so he had no clue on what to do.

After a good bit of quiet, he asked her. "Do you have any idea what we're supposed to do for a date?"

"Err…no. Let's have some sex, and see if anything happens from there."

Gaara stood there, baffled by her response. At least he had a vague idea here. He'd watched some porn with his brother a while back. He was ten at the time, so he thought they were fighting.

Temari explained it to him after he had asked her what the hell was going on. She spent the next hour yelling at Kankuro for being a pervert, and burned all his porn. Most girls would do the same if someone showed that to her little brother.

Anyways….

They went back to her place, and after a very dry conversation, they got naked. Anko knew exactly what to do, and Gaara kind went along for the ride. He was a little nervous to take off his sand-armor, but he did it anyway, because no one wants a sandy vagina.

She was kind of surprised at the size of the boy. You could say correctly that he was hung like a horse. Or, more correctly, horses are hung like Gaara. One touch brought it up, and she stuck his enormous member straight in her mouth. He stood there casually. She didn't mind. He was better than her usual nighttime companion. Mainly because he doesn't require batteries. Eventually she got tired of him being unresponsive, so se threw him on her bed, summoned a couple snakes, and they bound him to the bed.

"Sorry to be so mean, Gaara."

She then fucked his brains out. She had him straddled and serpent-tied spread-eagle, face up. He was starting to occasionally grunt. He came, but used some chakra to hold it up. A weird jutsu he'd developed on one his free nights. After what seemed like hours, but was really only twenty hot, steamy minutes, she came. She's not satisfied, though, is she?

She sat on his face and said, "Eat me out. Now." He complied. He applied some tongue to his efforts. He was making a lot of noise, but he was silent as ever. After two orgasms she said, "Not bad. Not bad at all."

Gaara said, "I'm hungry. You want to get something, Anko-chan?"

Her tactless reply was, "Gaara-kun, you just ate."

"You know what I mean." He said, in all seriousness

"I could use a snack." She said off-handedly.

She undid the snakes, and they got dressed, and Gaara reattached his armor.

They walked out, his arm around her waist, hers lazily slung over his shoulder.


	6. Light n' Fluffy

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Kakashi couldn't sleep that night, so he headed to the graves of his comrades. He and Rin were the only ones left. She's married that Yamanaka guy. They rarely talked, because he reminded her of Obito way too much. Wait…they have flowers…hey! He went on the search for the only flower shop in town.

He'd arrived at around ten-thirty, feeling the sleep deprivation catch up to him. It was Ino's shift. _Oh god._ He thought to himself. Talking to someone's best friend wasn't going to be easy.

"Oh…hi Kakashi. Today I am obligated to ask if this is for Valentine's Day." She said in a very uncharacteristic professional tone.

"Oh yes…" he replied, with a slight nervous tint.

"Anyone in particular?" she said, playfully.

"Sakura-chan." He said, casually.

"This should be easy. Here's a pink rose." She said, handing him the aforementioned flower. And had wrapped it in some light green tissue paper.

As he was about to walk out, but who should come in, but the rosette herself.

"Oh, hi Kakashi-sensei…who's the rose for?" she said, inquisitively.

"It's for you, here." He said, handing her the rose.

It took her a while to wrap her mind around it. Pink. On a rose it means light affection. Why would he give her one of those…unless…no, he couldn't. She honestly couldn't say she found him attractive. But with thirteen years on her, and habitual lateness, she had to stop and think. Inner Sakura made the decision for her.

**Oh, fuck it. He's hot, and he likes you. It's not weird. And Naruto will leave you alone.**

So she hugged him, and whispered in his ear, "I like you, too."

With the close contact and the slight horniness she'd gathered form the situation, she pulled his mask down, and kissed the daylights out of him. Ino was caught by surprise, and just looked away. They left, and Kakashi ninja-poofed them to his place. Clothes were torn off, and they had some fun, casual sex.

Meanwhile, at the flower shop…(and at maybe three in the afternoon)

Ino sighed. Sakura had gotten a guy without trying. A jounin, with some of the best credentials in the city.

Shikamaru went in, and asked her, "Ino, could I get a favor?"

"Err…sure?" she said, confused at why he was so serious.

"Ok, I've got some feelings for Hinata Hyuuga. Help me."

"Err…you guys have about as much chemistry as Gaara and Anko would."

"Actually, I saw the walking around together just now. They looked tired."

"Holy shit. Well, just tell Hinata how you feel."

"Got it." He walked out lazily.


	7. Cloud Watching

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri. I had to up the rating for this chapter.

Shikamaru had managed to find her. She was relaxing, staring at the sky. _Well…it's something we have in common._

He walked up next to her, and lay beside her, leaving two feet between them.

"Oh, hi Shika-kun. You like to watch clouds too?" she said in her amazingly cute shy voice.

"Yeah. I kill whole afternoons doing this." He replied.

"So are you thinking of anyone special f-for Valentine's Day?" she said, her voice quavering a bit on the word day.

"No one in particular, just you." He said, as if it didn't matter. He could be cool about this kind of thing.

She gasped. "Ano…that's nice."

"You want to mess around or something?" he asked.

"Eh, sure." She said. Little known fact, Shika is her back-up guy if Naruto didn't work.

And so they kissed. Their hand wandered a bit, although nowhere naughty.

TenTen was about to confess to Hinata, but she saw her with Shikamaru, and she ran from the scene, crying. As she began to run, it started raining. Hard. Hinata and Shikamaru took shelter at his house, it being closer.


	8. Get a Room

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny. Attempts of

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Naruto was getting some training done, he figured Tsunade was buried in paperwork, so he'd let her get some done before he told her.

Iruka was pondering. He'd corrected all the tests, and the students had the week, so he'd have at lest five free nights. He really needed a woman in his life. Most people told him that. He kept saying he hadn't found the right one. A couple months ago he'd been proven wrong. Shizune, the hokage's secretary, was looking like the one. How should he say it. He even had less experience than Naruto, who had actually had sex before. (A/N: I think he fucked Tsunami…aka Inari's mom)

He decided to just bug her seriously. He'd quickly gone in and out of the Yamanaka shop, grabbing a purple rose. He was ready. He'd tell her today. Using his sick Chunin skills he tracked her down quickly. She was in the bunker-sleepy place for the Konoha nurses. No one else was in there.

They talked for a while, and when she brought up the rose he made a very stupid mistake. He kissed her. Nothing dirty, just a chaste, tender touch. Then, playing it off, he told he said it was for her. She looked at him, then the flowers, then him. She then tackled him pinning him to the ground in smexy passion. Iruka hung his vest on the outside of the door, this being the ninja equivalent of a tie on the doorknob. If you know what I mean…nudge


	9. Naughty Naughty

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny. A random lemon written in under five minutes.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

Temari was having a hard time finding the guy she liked. Sure, they never talked, but still. She had this bizarre, sexual urge to just let him take her whenever she saw him.

She looked for him. She checked his team's training ground. Typical. So she found him, and she said, with all seriousness, "Would you kindly fuck my brains out?"

Neji, being Neji, and having been turned down by Ten-chan, was sad. A good fuck cheers anybody up, doesn't it?

"Err…do I know you?" he said.

"No, but It'd be nice to…know you a little better." She said sensually, putting an emphasis on the word know.

"Well…fate brought you here, so let's get some predetermined action going."

And so they fucked. Roughly. There was no love, just random sex. Anyone could've seen them, but they didn't notice. Oddly, Gaara's 'sister-sense' went off, but he was not concerned.

At the end, they were sweaty, tired, and out of breath.


	10. End Over End

Valentines Day

Naruto goes around asking for advice. Me trying to be funny. Now it's getting wrapped up with a big red bow.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Crackish pairings, yuri.

TenTen was devastated. The girl of her wet dreams was with someone else. It made no sense. She decided to go get her some flowers and try to persuade her into girl love.

She went to the flower shop, and she saw Ino, boredly staring into space. _You're kind of cute…_TenTen thought. Except that she said it out loud. Ino looked up, and said, "Umm…thanks, TenTen. Oh my god! Have you been crying?"

"Yeah…I saw Hinata kissing Shikamaru." She said, between sobs.

"You like him…?" she asked, inquisitively.

"Not him. Her." She said, expecting to get chastised for her perversion.

"Oh…yeah, I could see why. She's nice, polite, with a balcony you could to Shakespeare from. I'd probably be in her pants if she wasn't straighter than a line." Ino said, not realizing she'd said it.

"Yeah…" she said, as the conversation got dry. TenTen was looking a bit happier.

"So, this seems really stupid, but do you want to catch a movie or something, my shift ends in ten minutes." She asked.

"That'd be nice. Not just as friends though." She said playfully.

And so they went to the latest film featuring that princess. (A/N: From the Naruto movie)

They held hands pretty much the whole time, and after the move ended, they both lost control simultaneously. They kissed each other right before the lights came on. And they were in the middle of the theatre. The whole theatre saw it, and gasped. They broke it off immediately, faces redder than Gaara's hair. They left quickly, not wanting to get hassled. Later, that sat down on a bench in a relatively quiet part of town. (Hint: Where Sakura told Sasuke she loved him)

"So, you want to pick up where we left off?" Ino said, quizzically.

"Err…sure. Not here though…your place or mine?" TenTen said, in an oddly serious tone.

"Yours. My mom gets back tonight."

So they went back to TenTen's place. Her mom was busy at the forge, so she didn't notice them. Her dad had died when she was young, so he couldn't do anything.

And so hot, lesbian sexing was made. They stopped at four in the morning, in the name of sleep.

Hours earlier…

Naruto was ready. He had stupidly gotten too nervous, so it was late. He was wearing his pajamas now, including the famous penguin-dog hat. He had a red rose he'd gotten from Ino, and a bar of milk chocolate. The reason for a bar over a big ol' box was a combination of a lack of funds and the fact that he thought giving a whole box says 'I think you're fat.' So he found himself sneaking into the tower late at night. It was pouring rain, so he was soaked.

As he entered, he made sure to dry himself very carefully with a towel he found in a closet.

He went into her office. She was doing the last of her enormous stack of papaerwork. She looked up when he entered.

"Oh, hi Naruto…what are you doing here so late…?" she asked casually.

"I just wanted to give you these." He said, handing over the flower and miraculously dry chocolate.

She was baffled. Did this mean that he loved her? Sure, he's here type, but he's barely thirteen. Eh, they've both been lonely for so long…couldn't hurt to ask…

"Naruto-kun, does this mean that you…" she said, trailing off at the end.

"I love you." He said, and expecting a serious lecture about their age difference or the Kyuubi thing.

She got up, and walked up to him. He didn't expect what happened next. She hugged him. He hugged her back. Due to the height difference, his head got stuck between her boobs. Not that she minded. They sat down on the floor, just cuddling. That lasted all night, as they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Fin.


End file.
